"Oh my god....what did I do last night....where the hell am I....oh shit I'd better call Maureen...she'll be so pissed...."
Sitting up again, slowly this time, he looked at the thing stuck to his cock!!! He tried to pull it off but it felt like he was trying to rip his balls off!!! He examined it and saw the little padlock and realized it wasn't coming off anytime soon!!!
Looking around he had a vague recollection of a blonde and lots and lots of tequila...
Stumbling out of the bed he called out, "Hello....Hello is anybody here?"
There was no answer but he did find the bathroom and he really needed to go!!! He quickly realized he'd have to sit to pee with this thing on...that was when he saw the envelope taped to the wall at eye level while he emptied his bladder! It was addressed to him! He grabbed it and tore it open and read it with increasing horror!
"Dear Cheating Bastard, You didn't tell me you were married...you said you were a "Free Spirit"....well "Free Spirit" after you couldn't get it up and passed out in my bed I had a look through your wallet! Your wife Maureen looks lovely....she deserves so much better than you...and your two daughters are adorable...I couldn't find their names....how would they feel if they knew Daddy was a cheap, easy slut hmmmm?
I've taken the liberty of caging your pathetic little wiener so it doesn't get you into any more trouble till I get back....I've also borrowed your phone....your clothes....your wallet and your car!
I'm on my way to your house to have a chat with Maureen and to give her the keys to that little padlock down there!!! If it goes right she'll come back here with me and together we'll decide how best to punish you....if it goes wrong I'll be back and I'll kick your naked ass out of my house and I'll flush the keys down the toilet!!!
Keep your fingers crossed bitch...your life is about to change!!!"