Today is Kaaren’s birthday.
There were two days of the year that were filled with joy for us.
His birthday and Christmas. He was like an excited child barely able to wait to see his presents.
And it didn’t really matter whether the present was big or small, he just loved whatever it was.
If it was something special to wear he would have to try it on right away.
If it was a toy he’d put everything else aside to play with it right away.
When people say that you shouldn’t have they very rarely mean it.
Kaaren meant it.
Even after all the years of happiness that he’d given me he still somehow felt that he was undeserving.
But he deserved all of it and more.
After all our time together I could tell when his darker mood was coming back. It was almost like a hangover, depression following happiness. But I learned how to deal with it and bring his smile back.
I would dress him in something extra pretty, maybe something new
And we would spend the day together, just us girls.
Laughing and playing together.
Always fun to make him answer the door when the food delivery came. He was so pretty when he was blushing.
So sweet, so pretty.
I used to look forward to his birthday almost as much as he did but now I find it very hard to get through.
There’s an empty space in my heart that I fear I will never be able to fill.
Sometimes I get mad at him for leaving me alone and then I get angry with myself for feeling that way.
I know he didn’t want to leave but he’s gone nonetheless and sometimes it feels like it’s getting harder and harder to go on without him.
I have friends and family that surround me with love. I have faith that I’ll see him again someday.
But I’m missing him so terribly today
I’m sorry, I know that you don’t come here to read about this kind of thing but there’s really not a lot of people who would understand.
Mrs K
Mrs. K,
ReplyDeleteWe miss Kaaren too, I can't imagine how much worse it is for you. When it hurts, try to remember the joy you brought him. Treat us like your friends if you wish, unload to us. If it gets too bad... maybe consider counselling. I am sure Kaaren would not want you to hurt when you think of him.
Hugs,
Fiona
You have nothing to apologise about Mrs K. You loved Kaaren greatly and you miss them greatly. Kaaren was a huge part of your life, your feelings of loss are quite natural as too is anger at Kaaren leaving you. Many bereaved people feel that way. It is not the fault or intention of the one that was lost but an understandable human reaction to their going.
ReplyDeleteLife, however, continues. Kaaren will always be a part of your life and birthdays and Christmas without Kaaren will always be hard. However, Kaaren will also have wanted, more than anyone, for you to enjoy and live your life to the full.
Take care and know that there are many who never had the privilege of knowing Kaaren as you did but whose heart Kaaren touched and who will not forget what a special and wonderful person they were.
p
x
the headline, and the post, stopped me in my tracks, maybe because of the Kaaren in my life, or the fact my birthday was just yesterday, or that two weeks ago I lost a very dear old friend, or that today is her husband's birthday.
ReplyDeleteI do believe death is much harder on the living, and that the ceremonies and rituals are for us, not them. My friend's funeral was very Catholic, unexpectedly for me, with an open casket that I really did not need to see. still, by the time we were at the gravesite and the luncheon after, I felt we'd found a measure of peace.
but the process of finding peace is ongoing, and I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you, losing a life partner whose essence was so thoroughly bond up with yours. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts, including these kinds of posts. it is in fact why we come here.
Luke
I am so glad you are able to share, to vent, to celebrate and to mourn your loss of Kaaren with us. Each time you do, I feel like we are getting a little piece of Kaaren back into our lives .. and it's so welcome. With so much negativity in the world, it's refreshing to just feel real emotions, and be able to exchange them with you. Much love, Mrs. K!
ReplyDelete